GRIEF
The tough road through Grief and healing path of forgiveness?
The journey of a mother of two brutally murdered daughters
By Avis Ottey and Grace Lian
​
A personal response to harm and grief
In my own journey of healing from the murder of my two only daughters and experienced crisis coordinator for the Critical Response Team for Toronto Police Service, I , Avis can sincerely say that forgiveness was a huge component of my healing . It’s hard work, but the outcome is liberating. The media questioned me shortly after the girls’ deaths on the subject of forgiveness. They asked me, “Is it possible for you to forgive the person(s) who are responsible for the murder of your daughters? (paraphrased)”
I was reminded by a friend who stood beside me, “Remember that you cannot undo what you say today.” Whereas this information was useful and it grounded me, even without that reminder, I knew then and still know today that “sin is sin.”As a believer, I am commissioned to forgive those who trespass against me. Murder, in my estimation, is the highest form of sin; but is this the case with God? In His eyes, sin is sin. So in obedience to the Word of God, I gracefully forgave those who murdered my daughters. Now at a different stage in my life, over twenty-two years since my daughters’ brutal slaying, should I be asked the same question about forgiveness, the response would be pretty well be the same, but with a caveat. I have now come to the conclusion that there are various levels of forgiveness. I have forgiven the murderers; yet, punishment for their crime should not be lessened, and my dining with them is not an option, at least not yet. The criminals have not accepted responsibility for their actions; neither have they asked for forgiveness.
I, Avis can say in all sincerity that my sanity and peace with God is not wrapped up in the criminals accepting responsibility or asking for forgiveness.
Forgiveness is about me releasing them from my psyche. So I, Avis can clearly and honestly say, “God, please forgive them, for they know not the magnitude of their destructive behaviour, for they have destroyed those whom they did not create.”If they in reality understood their ferocious deed, they would be prostrated before the Almighty God asking for His forgiveness”. Our nature is that a perpetrator should be identified and punished for a wrong. Many victims reason that when we forgive the perpetrators are getting away scot free. No, not so! My professional and personal experience is that forgiveness is very important for the victims (to mend, to heal, and lighten the load and enjoy sweet sleep without drugs). It offers freedom from unwellness of anxiety, depression and/or grief. But rather embrace well-being, inner strength and renewal!
Can there be graceful forgiveness?
Despite the significant amount of evidence that forgiveness is beneficial to the victim and research showing it is a necessary step to letting go and restoring relationship, many people find this process impossible and too painful. The struggle to forgive those who harm and hurt us is universal. If forgiveness was easy, restoration of relationships and world peace would be a simple and more tangible goal. Yet, too often the nature of humanity, its need for pride, dominance and envy leads to trauma and relationship violation (Hargrave, 2011;Doherty & Kay, 2011). However, religious faith that accepts the destructive nature of human beings is a crucial part of forgiveness particularly when there is no apology or when harm continues. For this reason, the cross at Calvary for Christians is so precious; it symbolizes forgiveness and restoration. It beckons the Christian to begin their road towards sanctification and an imitation of Jesus.
But forgiveness is hard! Many ask how can we forgive someone that does not ask for forgiveness? If the victim forgives, can the victimizer be trusted to not victimize or abuse the person again? Will the perpetrator take the forgiveness as a joke? Does forgiveness have to mean letting go AND restoring relationship? Is forgiveness really fair or does it just let the perpetrator “off the hook”? (Hargrave, 2011). Will the perpetrator use his/her power to hurt others again? The answers to these questions vary. For some people, forgiveness is an event where forgiveness is offered and given. For others it is a transaction, it requires the hard work of offender who must show remorse and make meaningful repairs to earn the forgiveness (Spring, 2011). As we journey with our clients through letting go of the pain they experienced and consider entering into a relationship with the perpetrator, these are the considerations and questions our hearts and mind struggle to find their own path. Through engaging in this difficult journey, there can truly be a deep sense of acceptance, care and graceful forgiveness.
​
REFERENCES
Deka, K., Chaudhury, P. K., Bora, K., & Kalita, P. (2007). A study of clinical correlates and socio-demographic profile in conversion disorder. Indian journal of psychiatry, 49(3), 205.
Doherty P. J. & Kay, P. (2011). The Apology. Family Therapy Mag. 18-20.
Freedman, S. (1998). Forgiveness and reconciliation: The importance of understanding how they differ. Counseling and Values, 42(3), 200-216.
Freedman, S., & Chang, W. C. (2010). An analysis of a sample of the general population's understanding of forgiveness: Implications for mental health counselors. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 32(1), 5-34.
Hargrave, T.D. (2011). Balancing concerns in therapeutic forgiveness. Family Therapy Mag. 14-17
Oliner, S. P. (2005). Altruism, forgiveness, empathy, and intergroup apology. Humboldt Journal of Social Relations, 8-39.
Oliner, S. P., & Zylicz, P. O. (2008). Altruism, intergroup apology, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Paragon House Publishers.
Spring, J.A. (2011). How do we forgive someone who isn’t sorry or alive? Family Therapy Mag. 21-23,
